Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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