Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
