remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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