Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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