Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
