So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
