good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize