btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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