I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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