i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
