What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
