I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
