I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize