she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
