That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
