nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
