I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize