He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
