Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
