I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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