True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize