I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
