I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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