textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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