I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im drinking this country out of the recession.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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