Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
