maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I touched a dick in church today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
