don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
