Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
