Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We are two peas in an std pod
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
