Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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