Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
