no you cant smoke seaweed
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
