Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
