you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
