I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Acid is not a monday night drug
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
