she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
