He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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