Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
