I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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