when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
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