mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
