The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
