I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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