Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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