Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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