Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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