matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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