yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
