Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
