Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
