Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
