this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
