i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
