Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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