I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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