When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize