I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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