I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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