shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize