I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
