I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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