god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
