I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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